Effective co-parenting benefits children

When a married couple goes through the divorce process, many emotions may be running rampant between the two partners.

Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt and irritation can be clouding the vision and controlling the mind of individuals in the middle of a divorce.

While these are all very normal feelings during such a difficult transition, those who have children involved need to be especially careful about how, where and when their strong emotions take over.

These parents should also pay special attention to what they tell their children about the divorce and how they say it.

Children exposed to parental hostility or are “put in the middle” of parental conflict during a divorce can potentially suffer negative consequences.

Many times, parents may unintentionally say something negative about the other parent in front of the children, or use the children as messengers or bill collectors so they can minimize contact with the other parent. This is putting children in the middle of conflict. These behaviors, whether intentional or not, can be detrimental to children’s well-being.

Children exposed to this kind of behavior from their divorcing parents can experience many internal symptoms such as depression or anxiety.

They may also display external symptoms such as sudden academic problems, aggression, social problems, delinquency (such as skipping school, vandalizing, stealing, etc.), and an increased risk of using alcohol or drugs.

Being aware of these behaviors is the first step parents can take to ensure that their children are not exposed to them. Here are some other steps parents can take to make the divorce transition easier on their children:

* Rather than working on problems with the other parent while the children are present, parents should have those discussions in private — especially if those discussions are prone to getting heated.

* Parents should refrain from using their children as messengers to the other parent, or pump them for information regarding the other parent. Children should not be involved in working out any divorce issues that the parents have.

* Each parent should encourage the relationship the children have with the other parent without making them feel guilty, or like they have to choose which parent they love the most.

* During a divorce, it can be beneficial for parents to have open communication with their children — letting them know the divorce was not their fault, filling them in on custody arrangements and other things directly affecting the children when they are made, and making sure the children know that both parents love them and the divorce will never change that.

The Extension office offers a class called Parents Forever for parents who are undergoing a divorce or separation.

This class can help parents understand what their children are going through during a divorce and guide them to assist their children through that process. For more information on this class, call the Extension office at 252-9030.

For more information on this topic, contact Christina Rittenbach, Stutsman County Extension Agent-in-Training, at 252-9030 or Christina.Masich@ndsu. edu

Tags: life, home, parenting, children