Better get a job until the rebate comes

Word on the street is that the federal government is going to rush us a big tax rebate so we can spend it quickly to save many bottom lines and, probably, many bottoms. They may have agreed on a bill but the check may not be in the mail very soon. I am so skeptical of bureaucracies that my rebate is in my estate plan.

Just to be safe, it would be advisable for everyone short of cash to get a job “for the duration.” That’s an old World War II expression for “you will never know when.” Some folks say that unemployment is rising but there seems to be quite a few jobs in the newspapers — something for every skill or lack thereof. I’ve been looking.

Even though I have never taken an accounting course — as the IRS will attest — the Workforce Safety and Insurance agency is looking for a “premium auditor.” I’m not sure if that means I must be an above-average employee or I am expected to audit the premiums.

The WSI advertisement was lacking in details, however, seeming somewhat short on details about the qualifications and conditions of employment. Here is what the ad should have stated:

Wanted: A Courageous Auditor. (Note: Applicants can find out about the premium part later. Right now, courage seems to be the premium virtue.) Must maintain three sets of books. Some accounting experience would be useful. Must have at least two years of combat experience, preferably fighting domestic terrorists or serving on school consolidation committees. Whistleblowers need not apply. Great severance package for troublemakers. Interviews will be held by the revolving door at the rear.

More to my liking would be the opening in the North Dakota Department of Agriculture: noxious weed specialist. This job is more complicated than it looks because it involves only noxious weeks. To be a good fighter of the noxious kind it will be necessary to know the weeds that are not noxious.

I fight weeds every summer but I do the job backwards. I don’t try to learn the identity of noxious weeds — there are too many. Instead, I have learned to identify radishes, carrots and other vegetables and then I pull everything else. Because of my lazy technique, I have learned to identify only two kinds of weeds; one kind is leafy spurge and the other kind is not.

AgCountry Farm Credit Services wants a “records specialist.” According to the ad, you may apply if you are a “team player”. Apparently, they’ve been reading the newspapers about WSI. Keeping track of acreage, allotments and supplemental payments is difficult enough without having people sulking in bathrooms.

Dakota Growers in Carrington has a smorgasbord of jobs available — press operator, pelletizer, maintenance mechanic, machine operator, etc. etc. The one that seems to suit me best is a job called “general utility” because I have five years of experience in that area. In state government, it is called “lieutenant governor”.

The Bremer Bank in Fargo is looking for a “relationship manager.” My spouse, Ruth, said she would be hard-pressed to give me a reference for that job.

Excuse me but the mailperson is coming up the walk. Who knows? Hope springs eternal.

(Lloyd Omdahl, of Grand Forks, is a former lieutenant governor, state tax commissioner and state budget director)

Tags: economics