My fellow ‘Muricans, in honor of America’s 2019th birthday, I've prepared a Patriotism Test. I know it’s only the Juneth of July, but if there are bombs bursting in air, it means Independence Day is essentially underway. Or else Iran got the drop on us. This test won't be easy. I've got a black belt in history and blue suspenders in the liberal arts.
1. I’m proud to be an American because at least:
a. Crooked Hillary isn’t president.
b. I ain’t no socialist.
c. Joe Biden will work with segregationists.
d. We get toothbrushes.
2. Sen. Kevin Cramer wants to ban flag burning because:
a. Flag vaping is safer.
b. Only he can prevent forest fires.
c. There's no such thing as beautiful, clean-burning flags.
d. If anyone’s going to blow smoke, it’ll be him.
3. An Alaskan city council was forced to allow a Satanist prayer because:
a. Franklin Graham got tied up in traffic.
b. Charlie Daniels lost this time.
c. It was between that and Sharia Law.
d. They could see the Devil from their front porch.
4. Who invented America in 1492?
a. Betsy Ross
c. Galileo! Galileo!! Figaro!!! Magnifico-o-o-o!!!!
5. When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor:
a. The tough got going.
b. They came in caravans.
c. Trump said, “See, I told you it wasn’t Russia.”
d. Bush invaded Iraq.
6. The only thing we have to to fear is:
a. recreational marijuana
d. Bob Mueller
7. They’re not really concentration camps, they’re:
a. just subpar daycares
b. not cages, either
c. certainly not internment camps
d. Obama’s fault
8. WalletHub says New Hampshire is the most patriotic state. Why didn't North Dakota crack the Top 10?
a. edged out by Old Hampshire
b. rampant flag burning
c. one of those electoral college deals
d. Oregon hacked the election.
9. The reason Republicans oppose Bernie Sanders’ plan to forgive student loans:
a. virulently opposed to ideas
b. used up all our forgiveness on Trump
c. Suddenly the national debt is a problem.
d. It would jeopardize handouts to billionaires.
10. According to Rob Port's prognostications, what’s next for Heidi Heitkamp?
a. plans to unseat Doug Burgum and un-reinvent government
b. ongoing efforts to undermine all that is good and holy
c. trolling the Missouri in a pontoon named the U.S.S. Byron Dorgan
d. She swipes right on his Tinder profile.
Bonus: According to recent reader feedback, Tony Bender should:
a. Stop being so sarcastic, satirical, snide, snippy, salty, snarky, specious, salacious and superfluous.
b. Return Rob Port's thesaurus.
c. Be more family-friendly.
d. Write for a family-friendly porn magazine.
Answers: 1. c; 2. a; 3. b; 4. d; 5. d; 6. c; 7. d; 8. b; 9. b; 10. c; Bonus: a. Don’t worry folks, we’re grading on the Laffer Curve. The answers will eventually trickle down. Grading: 9-11 correct: The MENSA meeting starts at noon. 6-8 correct: That other meeting starts at 4:20. 3-5 correct: Dang it, Port, try to follow along! 0-2 correct: I suppose this means another letter.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.