I'm not panicking. There's usually enough toilet paper in my house because I have a bidet. Two of them, actually. I'm hoarding bidets. The only time the toilet paper supply dwindles is when I have visitors. Most of them approach the contraption like it's the ejection seat of an F-15.
Last week in Ashley, N.D., there was a run on toilet paper and disinfectant wipes, but mostly just the sale items. Frugal panicking. As for me, I'm hoarding head cheese. There's been little competition even at sale price.
A friend of mine with a family of five told me that he got so many judgmental scowls when he carried a large pack of Charmin to the checkout that he felt compelled to make a brief speech. Without getting into details, he said, “Look people, I'm not hoarding. We NEED this!”
Some people are hoarding weed, and if ever there was a time for recreational marijuana, this is it. But Dude, at this point, definitely Bogart that joint.
As an antisocial, reclusive introvert, I've been training for this all my life, and my colleague Mike McFeely, the curmudgeonly inventor of social distancing, is at the top of his game. It's our time to lead. Follow us. But not so damn close. We'll be spending the afternoon staring at a hole in the ice. You'll stand downwind.
It's prime time for atheists and agnostics, too. I skipped church last week like I always do, but knowing I had an excuse assuaged my Lutheran guilt, which, let's face it, isn't that much of a burden. Compared to Catholic guilt, it's just a cold.
By now, we all know the symptoms: paranoia, addled thinking and finger pointing. But enough about Facebook. Another symptom may be delusion because, God help me (the Lutheran one), I'm starting to believe that President Trump's response team is pretty sharp. Dr. Fauci is my new hero. If they ever come out with pandemic team posters, his will replace Farrah Fawcett on my man cave wall. I'm not the only one losing it, though. The president actually said much of the media was doing a good job. Pinch me. Not literally, though.
Social distancing takes some getting used to, even for us hermits. I stopped for a pizza at the C-store last week and inexplicably paid for it in cash instead of my usual credit card. That led to a very weird hand dance with the guy at the till when he tried to give me my change. Frankly, it felt a little homophobic. Next time I'm using Bitcoin. Whatever that is.
I know I should just say, “Keep the change,” but being of German descent, that's a genetic impossibility, especially after a glance at my 201k. I'll also continue to pick up pennies on the street which are placed there by my enemies so they can make it look like an accident.
When it comes to personal hygiene I've made great strides. I wash my hands to Rush songs or the drum solo in “Radar Love.” The other morning, though, I slipped and unconsciously touched my face. It felt like I was cheating on myself.
Ah, well, this too shall pass, my friends. And if you've got a bidet, all the better.
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Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.