With the election about 100 days away, it’s time for the Official Presidential Cognition Test. Eyes straight ahead. No looking at the teleprompter! Also, mark this on your calendar: the Official American Voter Cognition Test will be held Nov. 3.
1. What is your name?
c. My other brother Daryl
d. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
2. When is a good time to wear a mask?
a. In public during a pandemic
b. In private during role-playing
c. While stiffing contractors
d. When you no longer want to be free, you Leftist tool!
3. When should you release your tax returns?
a. When you promise to do so
b. Vikings win Super Bowl
c. Mercury aligns with Mars
d. Only after the IRS sets Guinness world record for longest audit
4. Top candidate for full presidential pardon:
a. Roger Stone
b. Son of Sam
c. Zodiac Killer
d. Petula Clark
5. Reason Fisher Industries border wall is falling down:
a. To make you look bad
b. Bad batch of Elmer’s Glue
c. Trump University engineering degree
d. Who knew there’d be weather?
6. How should we address the $26.5 trillion national debt?
a. Drown Grover Norquist in the bathtub
b. Not right now, Honey, I’m watching the game.
c. Blame poor people
d. Place fingers in ears and chant, “La-la-la-la-la” loudly
7. Who got taxpayer-funded PPP bailouts?
b. Rugged individualists
c. Ayn Rand Institute. “To buy more bootstraps.”
d. Dire Straits. “Money for Nothing. Chicks for free.”
8. Who are the unidentified men in unmarked cars abducting protesters in Portland?
a. Your Tinder date
b. I don’t know, but you should pay your parking tickets.
c. The tyrants your well-regulated militia promised to rise against.
d. Relax, they’re just practicing for Ghislaine Maxwell.
9. Who can you trust in a pandemic?
a. Pandemic! At the Disco
b. Chuck Woolery
c. Woolery Bullery
d. Facebook memes
10. Official product of White House:
a. Goya beans
b. Magic beans
d. Fisher Temporary Wall Corp.
Bonus: Why polls show Joe Biden in the lead:
a. Trump supporters too busy defending Confederate statues to answer the phone
b. Statistician forgot to carry the one
c. Puzzling outbreak of sanity among probable voters
d. Fake news
Answers: 1. a; 2. d; 3. a; 4. d; 5. d; 6. a; 7. b; 8. c; 9. d; 10. d; Bonus: a.
Scoring: 11-9: Okay, who took the test for you? 6-8 correct: Good enough. At this point, the American people will settle for average. 3-5 correct: Don’t feel bad; once Eric Trump lost a game of checkers to a Rhode Island Red. 0-2 correct: The doctors were so impressed that you found your desk.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.