One of the challenges of writing a Wednesday column is that my deadline is Monday, and a lot can happen between then and now. Fortunately, I've been blessed with an unerring ability to see into the future. Around here, my colleagues call me NostraTonus, except for Rob Port, who calls me other things.
At any rate, I'd like to congratulate Kanye West, who by now you know has been elected the 46th president of the United States as a result of an unlikely confluence of factors that historians will be studying for as long as liberal, socialist history is allowed to be taught in our public schools.
For one, the Republican effort to suppress the Democratic vote was successful beyond their wildest dreams. Two, the polls were catastrophically wrong again. Three, it turns out Amy Coney Barrett is a huge Kanye fan, and four, too many Trumpers died of the liberal hoax before they could vote while others succumbed to hypothermia while waiting for MAGA buses at a rally in Omaha. Even I didn't see Kanye winning Nebraska. Hunter Biden finished a close second.
While it's not unusual for Trump to throw folks under the bus, in this case, he failed to even pay for the bus. In his defense, though, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany explained that it wasn't hypothermia that killed those folks. Most had preexisting conditions. Of course, preexisting conditions no longer exist in America thanks to Justice Barrett. At least she got that right. In other good news, as predicted by former President Trump (now better known as Prisoner 666 in Sing Sing), the pandemic has magically disappeared.
For those of you unfamiliar with President Kanye, one of his epic recordings is “My Dark Twisted Fantasy,” which admittedly sounds a lot like a Donald Trump album. Kanye is married to Kim Kardashian who looks even better naked than Melania Trump or, for that matter, Jeffrey Toobin. What a jerk. But as Rudy Giuliani might say, who among us hasn't tucked in his shirt before?
At this point, things seem familiarly weird. During his acceptance speech, Kanye cited his grievances against Taylor Swift while the mosh pit chanted, “Lock her up!”
Meanwhile, back in North Dakota, congratulations are in order to Democrat Gov. Shelley Lenz, who, in a night of upsets, defeated heavy favorite and sort-of-Republican Doug Burgum. Lenz, a veterinarian, pulled a rabbit out of her hat and swayed voters at the last minute with her pledge to vaccinate every citizen. No one read the fine print, however, but the fact remains that no North Dakotan will ever get brucellosis again.
Another deciding factor, according to exit polls, was Burgum's decision to appear in television ads in a cowboy hat and chaps, and let's face it, that's the sort of thing you'd only expect to see on Rudy Giuliani in a New York leather bar. “I could have lived with the chaps,” one voter said, “but I draw the line at spurs. Geez, he looked like one of the Village People.”
The blessing in Burgum's defeat is that a constitutional dress code crisis was averted in Bismarck. Heck, you can't even wear jeans on the floor of the state Legislature.
I have no idea where they stand on white pants suits.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.