I can't believe I had to pull myself away from my Reddit investment account for this but it hasn't even been a month, and according to the astute political pundits on Facebook, Joe Biden has already made America un-great.
For one thing, when I used to wake up at 3:30 a.m. with free-floating anxiety all I had to do was check Twitter to substantiate my concerns. But you know what Sleepy Joe is doing at 3:30 a.m.? Sleeping. Does the man even know how to Twitter? He sure doesn't know how to America. A real president wouldn't waste time with concise, uplifting press conferences outlining thoughtful policy changes. A real president would be slamming covfefe, snorting Adderall off Stephen Miller's forehead, and pardoning Vladimir Putin.
It's been two weeks, and how many times has Joe Biden been golfing? Zero. (The same score Trump shot on a par 3 last week.) You need to learn how to president, good sir. To be fair, Biden just got out of a walking boot after injuring himself playing with his rescue dog. Do you know why he can't afford a real store-bought dog? Because he blew his money on a Rolex.
Have you noticed the way the Bidens like to put on airs, unlike the understated humility to which we've grown accustomed? Biden's press secretary (who couldn't carry Kayleigh McEnany's jockstrap or something) keeps referring to the first lady as “Dr.” Jill Biden. Everyone knows you can't be a real doctor unless you've delivered a baby ... uh ...
The point is, the lame-stream media never gave Professor Melania Trump the respect she deserves, and she has a PH Double D. I ask you, why wasn't she on the cover of Vogue like Michelle Obama? Sure, there's that thing about having to wear clothes, but I smell a rat. It might be Stephen Miller.
I haven't even touched on the Canadian tar sands oil debacle. Do you know how many good-paying Canadian jobs Biden cost America when he canceled the Keystone XL Pipeline? Me neither. My conservative Facebook friends sure don't, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say eleventy-kabillion. I don't know, but this whole thing feels a little racist against Canadians.
So what becomes of the empty pipeline? They'll probably turn it into a waterslide full of illegal Canadians who will splash into America to take all our good-paying hockey jobs. They sure aren't coming for the health care. Soon, the soup lines will be filled with unemployed Zamboni drivers. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I don't want to be an alarmist, but clearly, it's time to panic. The next thing you know, Biden and the Demonrats will pack the court with a bunch of new states like Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, and Greenland. At least it will be good for the flag industry which could use a boost now that Trump flags are on the wane.
I ask you, didn't this used to be America? Or part of France? Or before that, a shallow prehistoric sea? That last sentence is proof that you don't need a college education to succeed in America. Or North Dakota, at least.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.