You’ve heard about the October Surprise, haven’t you? Well, what could be more surprising than an October Surprise in November? All right, kids, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention in class. It’s time for another Tony Bender Pop Quiz, the Official Quiz of Moms Against Masks, Karens Against Brandons, Bastiats Against Everything, and Weed, “Still Schedule One Ahead of Meth.”
1. What’s the deal with Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema?
A. Want to be the “senator of attention”
B. It’s democracy, and what could be more democratic than thwarting progress?
C. Held hostage to personal ambition
D. A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
2. Why did the State Investment Board invest in St. Louis instead of North Dakota?
A. Secret plan to annex Missouri
B. Really into jazz
C. Misdirection to fool our enemies
D. Freakin’ GPS
3. Why were Rep. Kelly Armstrong and Senators Kevin Cramer and John Hoeven quiet during the spending bill debate?
A. Failed to get laryngitis vaccine
B. Actually, Hoeven’s a figment of our collective imaginations.
C. Don’t disrupt the sausage making because North Dakota will get lots of pork.
D. Trapped in Cone of Silence for 67 days and no one noticed
4. According to a recent poll, the #1 Halloween costume this season was:
A. Sexy Nurse
B. Sexy COVID Patient
C. Sexy Funeral Director
D. All of the below
5. Rep. Jeff Hoverson, a Lutheran minister, was barred from a flight out of Minot because:
A. Uncanny resemblance to D.B. Cooper
B. Set off the sanctimony alarm at security
C. Demanded TSA agent buy him dinner first
D. Weirded everyone out by calling the flight “The Ascension.”
6. Facebook just changed its name to:
C. Metta World Peace
7. Recently released an anti-vax anthem:
A. Blind Joe
B. Tone Deaf Joe
C. Def Leppard
D. Blind Faith
8. Tourists’ top reason for visiting North Dakota.
A. Josh Duhamel endorsement
B. Curious who Josh Duhamel is
C. Can’t wait to see Mt. Rushmore
D. Freakin’ GPS
9. Libertarian Rep. Rick Becker, restauranteur and plastic surgeon, took tens of thousands in COVID relief handouts because:
A. Like a mountain, because it was there
B. Botox for Humpback Sally
C. Lost money on Go Fund Me attempt
D. Pulling himself up with other people’s bootstraps.
10. Number one reaction to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers lying about being vaccinated:
A. It was a four-down conclusion
B. What is 'not surprised', Alex.
C. He was showing solidarity with Kirk Cousins and Carson Wentz.
D. Hit head one too many times on frozen tundra of Lambeau Field
Bonus: Some legislators are very concerned about CRT, but what the heck is it?
A. Crazy Republican Transgenders
B. Classic Regressive Theocracy
C. Crosby, Stills and Nash spelled wrong
D. Some farm program
Answers: 1. A; 2. A.; 3. A; 4. D; 5. D; 6. D; 7. B; 8. C; 9. D; 10. A; Bonus: A. OK, slackers, let’s see how you did. 11-9 correct: Congratulations, you’ve passed the citizenship test. 6-8 correct: Nicely done, Mr. Port, you’re coming along. 3-5 correct: An argument for term limits. 0-2 correct: Still, you beat most of Texas.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.