Bender: On a mission from God
I ain't the smartest guy in the room. Not even when I'm alone, but I know one thing, you can get distracted by things like science, facts, and logic. What are you? Some kind of Democrat?
No, you have to trust the signs and the voices in your head. Mine sound a lot like Marjorie Taylor Greene. It gets a little shrill, but I can tell you that Jewish Space Lasers, Peach Tree Dishes, and Pride Month will be the death of us all. If the AR-15's don't get us first. But, as long as they're legally purchased it's God's will.
You gotta be alert for signs of divine guidance. Like once I stopped to commune with a burning bale. “Get back,” a voice roared, which didn't seem all that enlightening, and then the fireman hosed me down like I was there for civil rights or something.
Then, last week, when I was cruising down ND 83, I saw another sign. “Shoulder work,” it said. Now, most people wouldn't recognize it for what it was — the Big Gal checking in on me.
“Nice of you to ask,” I answered. As a matter of fact, my shoulder is quite functional, despite seasonal soreness due to my refusal to hit the cutoff man from centerfield. Of 328 career attempts to throw runners out at home — divide by Pi, carry the one ... add the square root of eleventy — I succeeded exactly ... never.
The next sign read “End Road Work.” It hit me like a bolt of lightning. Or like really good weed. “Damn straight, Lord!” I exclaimed. “We need to End Road Work now!”
See how divine messaging works? See how She sucked me in by asking about my shoulder? Then, when my guard was down, boom! Here's your mission. End Road Work! Let my people go! Of course! Who couldn't get behind that?
At least do road work in the winter when no one wants to drive, anyway. Sure, it won't be the same tanning experience for the flaggers. But don't even call yourselves Americans, DOT, if you're unwilling to sacrifice a few frostbitten toes for freedom.
None of this would even be necessary if we all had hoverboards. Thanks, Biden. I guarantee the Pentagon's been holding out on us at Area 51. Generals are probably zipping around like Marty McFly, and here we are bumping through potholes when we could be fishing in them.
At least Barack gave us ObamaPhones, come on, Sleepy Joe, we want hoverboards! And while you're at it, cancel all debt! Let's start with that parking ticket I got in Pittsburgh.
To show the government that we're serious, I'm organizing a rally at the Valley City, North Dakota, DOT office when the planets are properly aligned, and we'll attempt to levitate the building with telekinesis. Which I think is some kind of mushroom. We won't be wearing any of those passé pink hats, either, we'll be wearing orange cones. You should have no problem finding one. Careful around ceiling fans.
Why not levitate the Bismarck office, you may ask. Well, it'll be our first crack at it, and the Valley City office looks more levitable (if that's a word).
It'll be potluck. Fight the power.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.