Bender: Why I'm so great

"Where would we be without liberals? Art ... music ... good tattoos ... interior decorating! If Republicans were in charge we'd all be living in shipping containers."

Tony Bender

So, I called my editor. “I'm gonna need more words next week.”

“Really? What's the topic?”

“Well, the working title is 'Why I'm So Great.'”

A pause.

“What about McFeely?”


“I don't think he'd write it.”

“No,” he said, “I mean how do you think Mike will take it? There's no 'I' in 'team,' you know.”

“Well, actually, he sorta came up with the idea.”

At this point, I visualized him leaning forward at his desk in one of those crouching tiger postures. “So, you're telling me, you and Mike McFeely talked, and Mike— our Mike — encouraged you to write a column about how great you are ...”

I didn't get the extra words. Because I couldn't confirm what Mike said, and in journalism, you should have multiple sources. One, at least. (Fox, take note.) But in my defense, it's hard to listen when you're pontificating, and what some people call a “conversation” I call “interrupting.” So, now, here I am with not nearly enough words, a victim of journalistic ethics. I feel like a Republican.

“You know, Bender, it's that kind of arrogance that makes conservatives resent you people,” my editor said.

“Hold it! Waddya you mean, 'you people'? That feels kinda racist.”

“That's not funny!”


Actually, it was. Then I remembered. That's what Mike was mumbling about while I was being erudite. Mike was saying that Republicans aren't funny. Which I interpreted to mean that I'm great. Anyone could make that mistake. Anyway, Republicans can be hilarious, it's just unintentional. Seriously, waddya got for “intentional” humor? Greg Gutfeld and Dennis Miller, the Kid Rock and Ted Nugent of comedy? Knock-knock jokes?


Who's there?

Hey, you kids get off my lawn!

Or this one ...


Who's there?

Bang! That's what you get for knocking on my door.


See? Not funny.

Did you hear about the salesman and the farmer's daughter? It turned out she was a drag queen! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Where are the conservative humorists? Bueller? Waldo? Anyone? You're being shortchanged, Righties. If anything should gin up grievance it's this. You can't blame the libs for this one, either. Besides, where would we be without liberals? Art ... music ... good tattoos ... interior decorating! If Republicans were in charge we'd all be living in shipping containers.

At this point, Trumpers are shaking their fist at the newspaper with one hand and shooting woke beer with the other. “Bullhockey! I've got a swell sense of humor, dagnabbit! My cousin who's also my wife says so! You should have your butt kicked!”

A fair point. I know some regular jamokes who identify as Republicans, and they've got a terrific sense of humor. You know what we call them? RINOS. Liberals. Dude, your Prius is showing.

Meanwhile, Mike and I are swamped with fan mail from “conservatives” whose praise usually begins with, “I'll deny I wrote this but ....” Or they call us on burner phones. Sometimes Republicans even throw their panties onstage. Many of the women, too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to Hunter Biden's laptop!


Mike wrote that one. Admit it. You love/hate us. We're all you got.

Opinion by Tony Bender
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.
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