"When all has settled from this legislative dog-paddling, both sides will claim progress but you'll still be able to open-carry your Kalashnikov into Chipotle like a real American — just in case some of them there illegal indigents get your order wrong."
"Trump tried to steal that presidency. It's a fact. The 59th presidential election in American history could have been the last. It's unjustifiable. It's unforgivable. It's un-American, and if you continue to support that traitor, so are you."
"The blood was still warm last week when Republicans sprinted to the podium to defend guns, despite the fact that 83% of Americans demand more regulation, including 72% of NRA members, according to a Public Policy Poll. That's the stranglehold the NRA has on timid Republicans."
"Today, the political contingency that's long demanded that 'the gummit' stay out of their business, is one step closer to controlling women's reproductive decisions — another unfunded government mandate. 'We're with ya, baby, right up to the delivery. Then, you gotta pull yourself up by your bootie straps.'"
"You don't wake up every morning wondering what kind of crazy crap Trump's going to do next. Foment an insurrection? Bomb Mexico? The average blood pressure in America's down about 30 points. I'll take it."
"An unscientific, unprovable, religiously inspired standard establishes personhood at conception or soon thereafter. Conveniently, by adopting such spurious, simplistic pablum, anti-women's rights zealots can claim abortion is MURDER! Please. Not even Republican strategists believe that. It's political misdirection to keep the rubes riled up."
"Despite the fact that the Biden administration steered more benefits in their $1.9 trillion package to poorer communities, minorities and small businesses, Republicans, on cue, are suddenly very concerned about fiscal matters. Look at those gas prices! And those grocery bills are through the roof!"